This is bullshit.....

"Basket Case"

by Sara Bareilles

I don't want to talk about it to you
I'm not an open book that you can rifle through
The cold hard truth that you'll see right to
I'm just basket case without you

He's not a magic man or a perfect fit
But had a steady hand and I got used to it
And a glass cage heart and invited me in
And now I'm just a basket case without him

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case
Now I'm just a basket case

I don't say much and it'll stay that way
You got a steel train touch and I'm just a track you lay
So I'll stay right here underneath you
I'm just a basket case and that what we do

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Won't somebody come on in and tug at my seams?
Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

You're begging for the truth
So I'm saying it to you
I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

Ballox!

I'm freakin' out right now!

I just want it to be the weekend right now so I can stop all this worrying I am doing and just get some shit sorted out. I realize that this is very cryptic.... but I don't even want to talk about it out loud because I am afraid the universe will see it and say: "Oh, no, no, no... You aren't allowed to be happy... Stop that shit right now!"

BAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"California sounds nice, but California's a lie, maybe I'm outta luck, or maybe I'm just blind.."

Times like this make me want to give up... usually....

But this tim, I'm fighting back. I'm going to use this stress in my everyday life and make the life ahead of me my BITCH!

I'm toooootally drunk right now on account of the not so awesome day I just had, but I mean it.

No more mister nice Jess.

ITS ON WORLD!

Hear me roar BITCH!!!

Wow....

I just had SUCH an amazing night.......

AMAZING.

"Friendly fire is a funny term, like Civil War"

I have done something that I never thought I would ever EVER do and now I feel awful about it. On top of that I think I am losing friends over it. When will I learn what real friends are? The person I feel like I am in 'love' with and always have been, is with someone else. I am tired of life shitting on me, this is when I get that urge o move away and start over. Seattle will have to do for me.

I am back to square 1.

It's me, and only me. Back into my dark hole I go.

Well.... Crap.

Baby Remy Elliana DiMaggio

Gotta Secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave.

2010... So far anyway...

Its been a hot minute! Soooo much has happened.

I quit my job as a nanny, started working at The Rock WFP, died my hair blonde, lost 15 pounds, and auditioned to go to school at Cornish College of the Arts (Where I was accepted ;] ) to get my BFA. I recently moved to West Seattle and I LOVE it here. I live with my sister and best friend, Charlotte. Money is tight and trying to deal with the hassle of financial aid makes me want to curl up in my bed and sleep forever. But alas! The beautiful sunshine gets me every time.

I'm trying this new thing where I do everything for me that I should have been doing for years. This is not to say that i have turned into some kind of selfish cow who doesn't give to others, I just learned that depending on other people has let me down, and at the end of the day, no matter what that day be, its up to me, myself, and I to make me a happier person.

I have shut my self off to the dating world, not even realizing that I was doing it, because I always told myself "I wasn't ready.." or "I won't have time..", but I think truth be told I am still waiting for that one guy who made me even THINK about dropping my guard to come around and tell me he feels the same. Well. Guess I'll be waiting awhile for that one! Oh well.

That said, I am so excited/nervous to start school! I'm stoked to make new friends that have the same interests as me, who have talent dripping from their ears, and who make me want to be the best I can be. I feel a little behind, being 23 in a class of majority 18 years old, and all. (Holy crap! I'm 23!) But it shall be an eye opening experience that I am ready to put my business pants on for!

I'm trying to do my best to soak up this summer so that all my "party-whoreing" is out of my system. Its fun, I just really need to focus in school. Part of me wants this summer to never end, but a bigger part of me knows it time for me to take that leap and hope I don't land on my ass.

This.... should be interesting...

The things I'll never tell you.

The right songs are playing.

The Holiday is being shoved down my throat.

You keep popping up, everywhere.

And you'll never know what I'm thinking, because only my music speaks for me and you are to stupid to be listening.

I miss musical theatre way to much.

Hold My Hand'
Jeff Blumenkrantz

There must one sorta decent guy out there
who's willing to hold my hand.
Hold it for all to see,
sweaty though it's bound to be...

'Cause if he held my hand he would own my heart
before the count of three;
and maybe I could trick the guy
to fall in love with me.

There must be some sweet fool
who would dare to take my hand on a crowded street
or at a table in some cafe
or even halfway through a matinee.

He'd sometimes squeeze,
and sometimes stroke,
and sometimes let it be;
and maybe I could trick that fool
to fall in love with me.

I wouldn't care what those five fingers did all day
They could roll cigars, or detail cars,
or draft a spaceship that flies to mars.
They could feed the homeless,
or match up DNA.

As long as those fingers are tangled up in mine by nightfall
anything's, everything's ok

There must be one kinda normal chump out there
who's ready to take a leap.
Give me a second look.
Skip the cover, read the book...

And when I find that chump,
who's willing to embrace my one demand
I'll give the world,
because he held my hand.

My strangely clammy,
chewed up fingernail,
often trembling,
yet virtuosic,
anti-bacterial lotion wearing-
hand...

A dream and a nightmare.

I don't mean to run
But Everytime You come Around
I Feel more alive, than ever
And I guess it's too much
Maybe we're too young
And I don't even know whats real
But I Know I've never...

Wanted anything so bad
I've never wanted anyone so bad

If I let you love me
Be the one I adore
Would you go all the way
Be the one I'm looking for
If i let you love me (If i Say)
Be the one I adore (Its O.k)
Would you go all the way (You can Stay)
Be the One I'm looking for

Help me come back down
From high above the clouds
You know im suffocating, But i blame this town
Why do I deny
The things that burn inside,
Down deep I'm barley breathing
But you just see a smile

And I don't wanna let this go
Really i just want to know.....

Crazy woman drivers.

So long little green monster, I had a many good memories with you.

I was in a pretty bad accident. Luckily, I am ok. Sore and bruised, but ok. My car... not so much.

So I was turning left onto A st. , and there was a big truck turning right onto 21st where I was. I waited, made sure the cost was clear and went. Then a car zipped around the truck and slammed into me. Just a couple feet farther and it would have crushed my drivers side door.

I had a pretty rough day and I just have to say this.

"Of all the times you've flaked out on me, I wish that the day I was in a car wreck had not been one of them."

Thats all.

Life thus far.

It has been so long since my last post! A guess a lot has happened, but at the same time, nothings new. I'm pretty boring. Sleep, work, One Tree Hill.....

I am a Nanny now, and loving it. I watch a 15 month old 5 days a week and she is an adorable terror. 

I am working on setting up for school in the winter. Its exciting and scary all at the same time. 

I have made some amazing new friends. Mike and Jean. If Mike weren't 30, I would swear we were twins. Raised in Glendora, has a freakish LOVE for giraffes, oh and loves homestar runner. I feel as though we are truly meant to be friends. It also nice to have some folks around that don't seem to have the need for so much drama. I've been noticing more and more lately that the people who have it well off seem to create drama for themselves.

People! Stop what your doing and just live your lives the way God intends you to! It makes me so angry. 

Well thats all for now!

Chow,

Jess

Mike, Jean, and I at an Endeverance show:

Summer fun.

• I can't believe how fast June went!!! In the last week I've done so much! I did a Zombie walk in Freemont for the  Guinness Book of world records, got a new job being a Nanay for a beautiful little girl, and I turned 22!!! Wowza! I feel like life is just passing to quickly, I haven't even really been able to enjoy my summer. And now i have to start school!!
  

Grrr Argh!!

My car broke down in Smokey point(Marysville) on the way to Bellingham last Wednesday afternoon and I STILL there.... So far I have paid: $333.40 for the towing fees, and $904 for the first set of repairs and now they're saying there are MORE problems with it.

My car isn't even worth that much!!! I'm going to ask a friend of mine if I can buy his car and just sell my piece of shit for parts or something.

Ahhhh!! I moved home to get away from the stress of money issues and they just keep piling up!!

Will this ever end?!?

Cheesecakecheesecakecheesecake....

Its been awhile since I've written anything because I've been crazy busy working!! I'm doing ok at Armondos, I'm only there a couple days a week so I can handle it.

But I hate, HATE, hate Cheesecake Factory. Every day I'm there they screw me one way or another and it makes me remember back to why I quit in the first place. The only thing keeping me holding on is that I will be in school soon and will be able to get a GOOD job soon.  

And the fact that there's a cute boy working with me may help just a little ;)

For June.

Soooo I just started at Armondos and iiiiits....ok. Kinda slow but suuper easy. My boss is one of my old friends so its gravy.  Im excited to start at Cheesecake Factory so I can start making some real money. I need to pay my bills!! haha, but anywhozer. I have honestly just been lazy as all hell and eating my weight in junk food so my ass NEEED to go back to yoga. I'm getting fatter by the minute! Other than that, not alot to blog about, I'm bored and boring =) I will update again when I have something interesting to say!!

Ew.

Mixed signals? How is trying to make conversation, nay, PULL conversation out of someone sending them "mixed signals" ? Just because I talk to you and you happen to have a penis doesn't mean I want to screw or marry you. Maybe I just wanted someone to talk to. Is that so bad?

He's just not that into you.

Cute movie... except for the fact that it made me feel like SHIT. I was completely slapped in the face by the story line, sitting there like a sappy little bitch,c crying and thinking... "Hey... that girl is a lot like me..." I've done all of those things: obsess why they aren't calling, stalk their facebook, told myself that they can change and that we are obviously perfect for each other.(Grant-it, this was when I was closer to 19 years old...) . Its all bull that I continue to tell myself so that I don't have to get hurt. It SUCKS to see you life in the big screen that way.

There's also "that guy". The girly one that I can't stand! The one thats like me!! I don't need to date a vagina, I have my own, thanks!

Now in the end, the girl does find a guy. A great guy. And it gives me this little glimmer of hope. The same glimmer I see in my friends eyes when I'm watching them at their weddings. But then I remember that it was just a movie and that it does not turn out this way for everyone.

Bleh. I'm getting pretty tired of all of this relationship propaganda in my face all the time.

DAMN IT EDWARD CULLEN! WHY CAN'T YOU BE REAL!!!